Not so good

 I have two elder brothers. The eldest one is 11 years older to me and the second one is 4 years elder to me. I ended up as the youngest kid of my parents. When my Mom was pregnant with me, for around 3 months, she had strong feelings of not giving birth to me. Unaware of her mental situation, I was sitting there in her womb, waiting to come out and see this shining world. Mom kept on requesting dad to abort me, but dad was too rigid to have me in the family. He tried to convince her in each possible ways and finally promised that I will be the last child and begged her to let me come out, let him allow holding me in his arms. Doctor had informed that it was a girl fetus. Dad reminded her as the last point to convince her, ‘’we don’t have any girl, let her come, she will be the angel of our family”. “That is what I am concerned about” mom replied. After many arguments, requests, acceptance and rejection, mom reluctantly accepted to give birth to me. Finally on one summary afternoon I was out there in this world, which is so shiny from its outer skin, but as much as you start knowing it, facing it, you will come across the deep shit, it has.

I started growing up and I could feel the difference between the treatment I and my brothers used to get. I was not allowed to go outside and play anytime I wanted, but they could. I had to wear the long pant till my knees, under the long frock but they could wander here and there the way they wanted. I was not allowed to talk to boys but they could do whatever they wanted. Wondering and not knowing the reason behind this difference, I used to ask my mom, she would reply in a plain voice that I was a girl and there are certain rules for girls and to bring a girl up is a big fucking responsibility for the parents. I had started believing that probably this was the reason she didn’t want to give birth to me.

Then I was around 6, I was playing alone outside my door gate. One guy from neighbourhood aged around 16, called me lovingly. I used to call him bhiya (elder brother), because he was friend to my eldest brother. I went there in the direction of the voice. I met him near the terrace. He asked me how I was doing. I replied him shyly that I was good. “Do you want some chocolates”, he asked me in caring voice. “Yes”. I replied. Then he sat down on his knees to come down to my height level and held my two arms with his hands and asked how I was doing in school. I replied in shy voice that I had scored the highest in mathematics. Then slowly he started sliding his hands down and suddenly put his one hand on my undeveloped breast, not even the sign of coming flesh was there, but then he pressed it. I could not understand what was going on. He kept on sliding his hands downward, and put down there and asked if I knew what that was. I replied.” Yes pee comes from there”. He laughed and said that I was cute and innocent and gave me a chocolate. I was happy with the chocolate and feeling proud I came back to home. I thought that I was being awarded with the chocolate because I was smart and could answer his question. I didn’t tell about this to mom because I didn’t want to share my piece of chocolate.

I was around 11. My dad’s boss used to come to our home. He would sit there for hours talking to my dad about work, about random things. I would sit there in dad’s lap and would watch them talking. Though I could never understand a word they said but I used to like watching them when they discussed the rivers, dams and roads. Sometimes I would jump in uncle’s lap and repeat the process. Uncle said that he liked me, he adored me. I also liked him mainly because every time he would come to meet dad, he would bring those big costly chocolates which my dad would never supply. I would wait for him to come, moreover for the chocolates. He used to say that these were only for me and advised me not to share with my brothers. By saying this, he used to make me feel special and I kind of liked it. One day he came for his usual visit. My mom was cooking dinner and dad had to go out for making some urgent calls. I was in uncle’s lap talking about school, classmate teachers. Suddenly he took his hand and pressed against my private parts. First slowly then with force. My breast had started developing. I could feel the little bit of flesh there and it was very painful when it was in process. And when he pressed it I could feel the real pain as if I had seen the real hell being alive. I cried out loud and he just threw away from his lap. I fell down and got hurt and in the new pain I almost forgot that unusual pain I had just felt some time back. Then it was his usual treatment whenever he would find me alone, he would do the same thing with me. I don’t know why, but I never could tell this to my parents. What all I could do was, to avoid him. I used to ask my parents to tell him, that I was sleeping, whenever he asked where I was. Mom asked me once about my erratic behaviour but I could never tell her anything. Soon after he got transferred to other city and I was relaxed.

I was young now, age around 17. It was local fair arranged in my city. I used to live in a very small city, so any occasion like this used to bring each and every person in that fair and it would become really crowded place. I had gone there to celebrate the festival with one of my friend and we had real fun. We ate the yummy food there, went on the big wheels, watched circus show and after having nice time we were about to return to our home. The place had become so crowded that we had to tuck our hand together to move forward. There was no place to breathe. We were slowly trying to make our way. Suddenly from nowhere a hand came to me and squeezed it and I literally broke down. The pain was unbearable. My friend asked what happened to me. I just asked her to move towards home. I was still in pain.

I was in college then. Hard memories of some horrible childhood experience were faded by now. Probably those things hardly ever came in my mind. I was enjoying the freshness of the youth, I had entered into. I was doing well in study, well in extracurricular, was doing well in life. With some hunches here and there, I was satisfied with my life. And now it was time to experience some life changing experience and what else it could be other than love in life of a girl who had just sensed the attraction towards opposite sex, who had just felt that tingling sense of shyness when somebody looked lovingly at her, when somebody complimented her. Yes, she was in love. I was in love. I could feel everything in my favour, when I met him. Though at that time I was not able to understand what love was, what its repercussions were, but I was surely in love. In fact, I was in love with idea of love. I concluded, this is the life, to love and to be loved. We used to talk for hours, go for regular random walk, and be with each other endlessly and aimlessly. One day, he took me his home. At first, I was scared, but I was with love of my life and I could win the world with him, so I just yanked all the fear and went ahead. We were there, sitting next to each other. He was coming closer and closer to me and with each every movement of him my heart beats were getting faster and faster. Suddenly he requested me to remove my top. I just sat there, frozen not knowing what to do. I just wanted to run away from there, but my senses were not working. I was scared to death. Somehow I gathered myself and asked me to drop me home. I could never talk him again.

I moved on in my life. I was a mature adult by now, age around 26. I had controlled my emotions, my feelings and I had asked myself not to fall in love with anyone now, but then it was the time to break the spell. From nowhere he entered in my life and explained me the meaning of love.  Soon after I realized, I was hopelessly, irrecoverably and unconditionally in love with him. I could never ask more than he gave to me. Each time I met him like it was the last meeting. And every time I met him, I just wanted to shower him with all the love and compassion I had stored in my heart till date. I knew that the paradise, I was living in was very short lived. I wouldn't even know and it will be off from my eye sight. But I was happy, I was satisfied. I had experienced that feeling that I could die peacefully then, without anything else required in my life. This was the time to something more. One day, he was there in my room, we were talking about random things as usual, I was lost in those thoughts which always used to hover over my mind whenever he was around. His charisma never let me in my senses, and sometimes I was blank. He pulled me closer to him. I knew his intentions and I was scared but I enjoyed that sense when he touched me. Moreover I could never say no to him for anything, it was the tiniest possible thing he needed from me. I went ahead as he directed. I did, what he said. Soon, he put his fuller lips on my shaking, shying lips. At first, I felt little awkward but then this kind of experience was completely unknown to me and surprisingly I wanted to experience more. He touched me wherever he wanted and I allowed him. Soon he was there, inside me. I was crying in pain, a kind of pain I had never felt in my life, like thousands of drillers, drilling together at one point of your body. But I let that pain embrace me. I believed that I had experienced the love in complete way. But then, I was wondering how my life could be so blissful. The very next moment, the answer to my question was in front of me, when I realized that this was the only thing he wanted from me. He got off me very soon, saying he was sorry for whatever happened; he didn’t have any feelings or emotions for me.  According to him it was very natural and it just happened and I could not blame him. I kept on providing him what he wanted from me because I knew the day I will say no to him, would be the last day I would see him. I don't why but I was trying to save a relation which never existed. One day when he had enough of me , he stopped seeing me.

I got married at the age of 29, to a guy whom I didn't get a chance to know much. It was an arranged one and since my parents were bit conservative so they didn't really like the idea of our meeting to each other before marriage. With some acceptance and rejection, I was married to this gentleman. It was the first night after wedding. I was tired because of all the formalities of wedding and wanted to go straight to bed. I changed the wedding costume and went to bed to take rest.  Soon I was in the lap of my mom, in the dream. Suddenly I felt something on my chest; I got up at once and realized that it were the fingers of my just happened husband sliding under my top. I requested him to spare me for the night at least, but he said that I was his wife and he could do whatever he wanted to do with me and he did the same. Once he was done, he forgot me as someone forgets his abandoned clothes.

Today I am in the hospital. I am pregnant and I know it is she.  I am asking the same question to myself what my mom must had been asking to herself 30 years ago. Now, I can understand the feelings and struggling thoughts my mom would have faced that time, when I was inside her. But, I have decided that I won’t repeat her mistake. I would not allow her to come in this world. I will kill her.