Happy International Dance Day!

Recently it happened that I was asked in my office to share how I manage my dancing and the hectic work together and how it impacted my life and why it is important to have passion in one’s life. I was really nervous because I was not sure if I can talk about it specially in front of 50-60 people, because  I feel I don’t deserve to be at place where I can talk about such thing because I am really struggling to be able to manage things. In fact I feel I am not at all managing it. Some days, I have to miss my morning classes because the work previous night didn’t finish in night actually and some days I postpone my work and meetings because I have to attend the class. However its actually difficult to say no in corporate world, if you know what I mean. So I thought I will give it a try. 

I realize I became pretty serious about dance in last couple of years. I realized that I don’t it for time pass or just for the sake of fun , I also don’t it because I want to be a performer or want to be on stage someday. I just love being in class , I just love being the student of my teachers .I just love the way they teach , they say things, they inspire me , they have impacted my life. But when I ask myself was I really this attached with dance always , the clear answer is no. In fact I also started doing it because I had extra time with me and I wanted to something so that I could kill time. 

There was a time when I was little less loaded with work and around that time only most of my friends got married. All of sudden I became alone , I didn’t know who to talk  and since I stay alone things became even worse. I guess the only thing I used to do in that time was thinking thinking and thinking randomly, worrying about life , worrying about future. I also thought that probably getting married is good idea so that I wont feel alone. So I along with my parents did every possible thing for groom hunting. But things were not working out so that added to my frustration even more. I was clueless what exactly to do. So in order to get my life back and kill that extra time I joined dance class where I met my teacher Rukmini Vijaykumar. When I think about what happened after that its really a journey , a journey of me being a better person if not a better dancer, journey of realizing importance of every single thing we possess in life instead of cribbing for those which we cant attain. In this life, if I have to thank one person other than my parents to make what I am today, it would be her. I really don’t know what kind of dancer I am becoming or even in this life I would ever be able to call myself a dancer , but I want to believe I am living much better version of myself. 

Well obviously, I didn’t understand everything immediately after I met her, because as I said that time I was dancing more to “kill the time” rather than really investing time and effort in it. But slowly during process of life whatever happened with me or how I overcame those big/small problem or how I started looking at my life differently, how I started handling myself, I thing its all because of dance and her. And these lessons are not dance lessons but life lessons which I hope to live by even if I cant dance anymore, and apparently nobody ever taught me these life lessons , not my school teachers , not my friends , not even my parents or even if they would have told me I was not matured enough to understand those. So these are few things I learned in last couple of years which did change my life :

1.To be patient : This is my first life lesson which I learnt in class, because dancing, specially classical dance takes around 8-10 years to master and when you start as an adult I think this life time is not sufficient. For around 3-4 months the only thing I used to do in her class was squats , because I didn’t have any strength to hold my postures. Somedays , I would get frustrated that this is not what I registered for,  but there was something which didn’t allow me to give up and the day when she said yes you are at least able to hold “aramandi”, I think that was the first time I understood things would get better and this was my second life lesson.

2.Howsoever complicated it seems at first things will get better : The same applies in life also, at first we struggle so much that we want to give up, we feel like we will not be able to handle the life. I have felt the same thing, there was time when I felt like my life is over, I cant handle it and wanted this life to be over. But the moment , instead of focusing on our weakness if we start focusing on how to make ourselves strong enough to tackle the situation , we become better with that , we get habituated to handle ourselves in a much better way. There is dancer quote which says “ What seems difficult today, tomorrow will be your warmup” . I think life can be lived in a similar way too. 

3. Its always a personal journey: Personally for me this one is the most important lesson. I have always been a competitive person, in my school, college or even work. Not negatively though but I will always be like I have to do more in order to be better than that person. I would work harder to top in exams , to be best in class.  And obviously , I could not be the best all the time , and that would really put me down, lower my confidence and then I would try to find some practical excuse why I was not the best. Its such a poisonous way of living. 

Only in my dance class I learnt that whatever we do in life its always a personal journey , its never a competition with others, because the moment you became better than one person there will be 10 persons better than you , and the cycle continues and if you fall in that trap you would stop enjoying things which you started only because you enjoyed doing that. That doesn’t mean you have be complacent with life, but make yourself your benchmark. Do things better than you used to do, and some days when you really cant do better than yourself ,learn to forgive yourself , don't blame . I know I am not good dancer , and I am not that regular in my class too, and then I would really hate myself for not being able to go to class but then I forgive myself too, because I know the previous night I was working till 12-1 and was tired enough that my body needed rest instead of class . I may not progress faster but next class I go I would give my 100% without thinking how slow or fast my progress is. I will do whatever is in my hand to make better version of myself, I will never miss class which are in the night or on weekends , even  if I cant go to class I will do some sort of physical practice or revise what the teacher said in last class. I just want to be better than myself in next class and no-one else. 

4.Attach yourself with bigger goals : Again this lesson is so life changing for me. I have always been very emotional person. I would get attached to people so quickly and so intensely that the moment when I realized the person is not in my life anymore I would start feeling like I don’t how to live my life. I would spend months to come out of that situation. Most of life I had focused on people, I would try to make everyone around me happy , I would do anything to keep people happy even if I would not feel happy. I used to feel that I am doing great job or I am being a great person sacrificing my happiness to make others happy. In this process people took me granted, and I could never understand that if I am not happy I cant keep others happy. Slowly slowly most of the people I used to consider mine ,left. Well, for some reason, either because living alone was my destiny or my choice I learnt that, people will not always be with you, they may travel some pathways along but not necessarily they will reach till end with you, regardless of who they are , friends , spouse or even parents. Its your own responsibility to make yourself happy and not anyone else’s . I don't know what my life goal is , or how long I can last in my dancing journey but I know I will keep myself attached with something I love  and not with someone I love. Because that “something” will never leave me alone.

5.Its not about destination : She says “as a dancer the only goal should be to dance as much as possible and enjoy the process. Performances, tours, appraisals, accolades may /may not come and that should not be concern, as log as we believe in what we are doing and do it with honestly things will work out” . Isn’t it true in every field of life. The most enjoyable part is  the journey and not reaching the destination. Achieving something is great but its short-lived, what we remember entire our life is how we achieved those things. So focus on destination but enjoy the process more, don’t get overwhelmed with what you could get vs could not get. Just focus on what you are doing in order to get that.

I think there are so many more lessons I discover everyday listening to her. This entire thing sounds preachy but that was not my idea. If I hadn’t personally experienced these lessons , wouldn’t ever come and talk about it. I have been lucky enough to have her in my life so that I keep getting strength to do what I do and the reasons why I do. 

Not Tough but Not so Easy: After a very long time, I wanted to write something. Not that, I really had some great topic to write about, but just my heart was filled up to the level, that I wanted to pour something on paper so that it reaches to its normal state. And guess what, the topic which came first in my mind was “suicide”. May be it’s the effect of the news channels which are endlessly showing recent suicide news of famous TV actor which got stuck in my mind or may be subconsciously or deep down even I believe that it’s the best possible way to end all your problems when life gets out of your control. Though I assume that I am very strong person and can deal with any positive or negative situation but that’s the cruelty of the life, it attacks you most severely when you are at your best and leaves you devastated, making you the weakest person on this planet, too weak to put even one foot step ahead, making the atmosphere too suffocating to breathe, and with every single breath making it even more suffocating, giving you no choice but to end your own breathing. I am not the right person to judge what is right or what is wrong .I can’t even say that the person who committed suicide was weak or selfish or running away from the problems instead of facing them, because I will never understand what exactly he was going through when he took this extreme step. Buddha had rightly said that "There is only misery in this world”. Yes, nobody is really happy. Everyone is dealing with some or other problem on daily basis. You can think sometimes, why only I am the one who is suffering this much and others look very happy but in reality the others are dealing with the problems, probably you can’t even understand. Yes, Life is not easy, everyone knows it. But let me tell you it’s the same with the death. Who said that the person who kills himself is weak? God, no!!! It takes a lot of courage, lot of guts to stop your own blood flowing. It’s not the easy way out. When you take the bottle of poison in your hand and try to swallow it in one go and then suddenly realize you will never be able to raise the glass of chill beer with your friends, or when you reach to the terrace of multistory building to jump high and then suddenly you imagine your mom at the terrace of the house waiting to see you soon, it kills you from inside before you actually kill yourself. You feel numb. Not knowing what to do, where to go or how to overcome this. At one point you start feeling probably life is easier than death. But unfortunately not everybody thinks the same. They become impatient and want the quick fix of their problems, and they are so desperate to get the solution that death is left as only option. So claiming that only cowards are the one who go this far, doesn’t sound right to me. I think, at the end, what matters is your choice. Your own choice of choosing life over death or vice versa. It’s not exactly about which one is easier to face as both demands some level of courage. It’s about your priority, your idea of solving any issue. Its definition of your own personality of dealing with this world. Closing their eyes can be symbol of night for some whereas few are working even in the starry nights to make their livelihood. Few can live only in isolation claiming that it’s their life and they can do whatever they want to do with it, whereas few believe in togetherness , their lives revolve around others and they understand that their one action can impact the lives of others around them . But the matter of the fact is, if you get a wound in your finger, you don’t cut your full hand to avoid the pain. But probably you will get your finger operated. Similarly if you get a problem in one front of your life you can’t end your entire life just to avoid one problem but you work towards operating that problem in your life. We discussed about the cruelty of life, but about the beauty of life I can say when it closes one door it opens up 100 more doors. It depends on you weather you are able to see that or not. More than the actual problem it’s the chemical complications in the brain which makes it even more problematic. Our brain, nobody knows if it’s servant or master. You act the way, the brain tells you or you tell your brain to think the way you want to act. I don’t know. But I think it’s important to take the control of your brain before it completely takes you in your control and leaving no option for you but just follow it. Through my past experiences I have learned that when you take control of your own life and slowly and steadily start working towards your problems, the kind of pleasure you get at the end is immense. You feel strong. You feel power in your hands, your legs most importantly in your brain. Yes, the process is tough, you may feel giving it up for once and all, but darling, believe me it’s still easier than the quick fix. It’s your own responsibility how you come out with the situation and according to me best solution is talk, talk and talk. Be inclusive of others in your life. Share and learn. Make new friends, reengage with old ones. Friends are the best medicine for any kind of illness. They have this super power of understanding. I am not saying they will solve your problems as it’s in your and only your hands, but the best part of being with friends is you know that you can talk to them for hours and hours and they can listen you endlessly. As I said, it’s the choice at the end. So I just hope everyone decides on their choices wisely. Amen

Ek Khyaaal!

आज मौसम बहुत खुशनुमा है. महीने की कड़ी धुप के बाद आज थोड़ी राहत है.आकाश में काले बदल ऐसे लग रहे हों जैसे रहीम के किसी दोहे की नायिका ने अपने लम्बे काले केश धोने  के बाद सूखने के लिए उन्हें खुला छोड़ दिया हो. अमूमन मैं घर में अकेले ही रहती हूँ . ना ज़्यादा लोग मुझसे मिलने आते हैं न ही मैं कहीं किसी से मिलने जाती हूँ. दोस्त के नाम पे एक या दो लोग है जिनसे कभी कभार मुलाकात हो जाती है. ज़िन्दगी अपने ढर्रे पे चल रही है उसी दिनचर्या से ..कोई खास बदलाव नहीं है. मगर पता नही क्यों आज ऐसा लग रहा है की आज घर से बाहर निकलूं. मौसम में अचानक से आये इस बदलाव ने शायद मेरे भी ब्यवहार में कुछ बदलाव लाया है. मन हो रहा है की बाहर निकल के मौसम के सुह्वानेपन का आनंद लू. चाय के लिए गरम पानी रख दिया है गैस पे. घडी में देखा तो ५ बज रहे थे. ऐसा नहीं है की ५ बजे कुछ खास करने के लिए था , बस अचानक घडी पे नज़र चली गयी. समय का कोई खास महत्त्व नहीं है मेरी ज़िन्दगी में..समय ही समय है.

चाय का कप एक हाथ में और दूसरे में "गुनाहों का देवता" किताब ले के बाहर बरामदे में चली गयी. ओह ! शायद यही ज़िन्दगी है . सुहावने से इस मौसम में चाय का एक कप और एक अच्छी  सी किताब और क्या चाहिए ज़िन्दगी में . वो कहते हैं न जिसने प्रकृति के साथ रिश्ता जोड़ लिया उसने सही मायने में अपने ज़िन्दगी के मकसद को समझ लिया है. खैर ऐसा नहीं है की मुझे अपनी ज़िन्दगी का मकसद समझ आ गया है, बस आज इस बात का मतलब समझ आ रहा है .

बाहर बरामदे में बैठे चाय की चुस्कियां लेते हुए किताब के पन्नें पलट रही हूँ लेकिन ध्यान नहीं लगा पा रही किताब में. पता नहीं क्यों मन बहुत ही भटका सा है आज. बंद करके किताब आकाश की तरफ देखने लगी. छोटे छोटे काले बादल एक गुट बना के बिखरे हुए हैं जैसे कन्हैया के काले घुंघराले बाल हवा से लहरा रहे हो.हलकी हलकी सी बारिश की छींटे कभी कभी मुझे छू के निकल जा रही हैं. बारिश इतनी हलकी हो रही है जैसे लग रहा है की आकाश अपने मन में छुपे दुःख को सिसकियों के बहाने दुनिया को दिखने की कोशिश कर रहा है. छितिज के उस पार इन्द्रधनुष की हलकी ही एक लड़ी दिख रही है. बचपन के दिन याद आ गए  जब इंद्रधनुष देखके इतने खुश होते थे की जैसे कोई चमत्कार देख लिया हओ. खड़े खड़े बहुत सारे ख्याल मन में आ रहे हैं. मन की गहन दुनिया में विचार कितने गोते लगाते हैं वो कोई नश्वर प्राणी तो नहीं समझ सकता . लेकिन अचानक से एक ख्याल मन में आया और  पूरा  ध्यान वहीँ लग गया.

 शहर का एक छोटा सा कोना. हवाई जहाज से देखो तो शायद चींटी जैसा भी ना दिखे. शहर के उस कोने में दो लोग मिलते हैं. दो अजनबी. एक दूसरे से पूरी तरह से अनजान. एक दूसरे से पूरी तरह से अलग.एक दूसरे के व्यक्तित्व के पूर्ण रूप से अपरिचित. दो अलग अलग जगह पले बढे .बस नसीब की जाने क्या मंशा थी  दोनों को एक जगह मिला दिया. किस्मत से एक ही जगह पे आ गए, शहर के उसी छोटे कोने में. एक ही ऑफिस में काम करते हैं सो रोज़ आते हैं उसी जगह पे. बैठने की कुर्सियों में ज्यादा दुरी नहीं है.मगर एक दूसरे से बात नहीं होती. अभी भी अजनबी ही हैं. कुछ दिन बीते ऐसे ही . चेहरा जाना पहचाना सा लगने लगा लेकिन बात हुई नहीं अभी तक. कैसे हो अभी भी अजनबी ही तो  हैं.बस अब आते जाते एक दूसरे को देखके हल्का सा मुस्कुरा देते हैं.फेसबुक की "फ्रेंड लिस्ट" में नहीं है ."जीमेल" की "चैट लिस्ट " में भी नहीं है. नंबर नहीं है तो "व्हाट्सप्प" में भी नहीं जुड़े हैं. बस मन में कहीं न कहीं ये है की बात करनी चाहिए , या शायद नहीं.यही कश्मकश है. मगर कौन शुरू करे बात ये पता नहीं. अचानक एक दिन कैंटीन में चाय की चुस्कियां लेते हुए दोनों अपने अपने अकेलेपण में खोये हुए हैं. एकदूसरे को देखते हैं मुसकराते हैं. एक ने जैसे खुद को आमंत्रित करने का निवेदन किया हो और दूसरे ने पलकें झुका के वो निवेदन मंजूर कर लिया हो. फिर क्या , एक दूसरे के अकेलेपन और बोरियत को दूर करने के लिए एक ही टेबल पे बैठ जाते हैं.पहली बार बात होती है. कुछ खास नहीं , बस नाम काम. अब अजनबी तो नहीं मगर साथी भी नहीं.

अगले दिन फिर से चाय पे मिलते हैं , अगले दिन फिर और फिर हर दिन. जान पहचान अब दोस्ती में बदल गयी है.फेसबुक में एक दूसरे के "फोटोज़" और "स्टेटस" को लाइक करते रहते हैं. "जीमेल " में घंटो घंटो "चैट " करते हैं. "व्हाट्सप्प" के "लास्ट सीन" को बार बार देखते रहते हैं.  एक दूसरे का पूरा ख्याल रखने लगे हैं.छोटी छोटी बातें , छोटी छोटी खुशियां. अपनी हर बात एक दूसरे को बताते हैं. हर ख़ुशी साथ में मनाते हैं. हर गम के लिए एक दूसरे का सहारा बनते हैं. रिश्ते को नाम क्या देना है पता नहीं. शायद देना भी नहीं चाहते कोई नाम. रिश्ते को नाम देना शायद उसकी गहराइयों को कम करना होता है. हाँ मगर अब अजनबी तो नहीं हैं. दोस्त है या उससे कुछ बढ़कर वो पता नहीं. इतना ज़रूर है की एक दूसरे के साथ बहुत खुश हैं. एक दूसरे के साथ हैं.हर समय.

क्या ! प्यार!! नहीं नहीं ! प्यार तो नहीं है. या पता नहीं, कुछ कह नहीं सकते.कभी किसी ने कुछ कहा नहीं.खुद को भी कहाँ पता है. बस खुश हैं क्या इतना काफी नहीं ज़िन्दगी जीने के लिए. अजनबी शब्द भी नहीं जानते . जन्मो के मिले हुए लगते हैं.

 साथ साथ हैं. हर समय हर पल.किसे किस वक़्त क्या चाहिए दूसरे को पता है.किसे क्या अच्छा लगता है , कौन किस बात कैसे "रियेक्ट " करेगा दूसरे को मालूम है. और वही करना है अब जिससे दूसरे को ज़्यादा से ज़्यादा खुश रख सके. घंटो बातें , एक दूसरे के साथ समय बीताना.  सड़क के किनारे ..एक दूसरे का हाथ पकडे लम्बी लम्बी सैर , ऐसा लगता है यही ज़िन्दगी है. एक दूसरे के साथ होना, एक दूसरे का साथ  देना. ज़िन्दगी का लक्ष्य मिल गया.

लेकिन जैसे की वो कहते हैं हर अच्छी चीज का समय पूर्व निर्धारित होता है और उसे उस समय खत्म होना होता है. एक दिन कुछ हुआ. एक ने दूसरे से कुछ कहा , कोई ज़रूरत थी शायद. लेकिन दूसरा कर नहीं सका. पता नहीं क्यों. बहुत व्यस्त था अपने काम में.समय नहीं था. या करना नहीं चाहता था.या शायद कर नही कर सकता था. और सोचा छोटी सी बात है , बुरा क्या मानना होगा इस बात का. लेकिन  बुरा लगा पहले को .एक दूसरे पे इतना निर्भर हो चुके थे के की शायद ना सुनना थोड़ा नया था. उस दिन पहली बार झगडे दोनों. क्यूंकि पहले को बुरा लगा था, और दूसरे को समझ नही आया क्यों.  खैर पहले ने समझा लिया खुद को. बुरा लगा था मगर थोड़ी देर के लिए ही.सब सही हो गया फिर.

फिर वही हुआ,  मगर , इस बार दूसरे के साथ.पहला समय ना निकल सका. और दूसरा रूठ गया. फिर से  झगड़ा हुआ और सही हो गया. आखिर दोस्तीमे थोड़े झगडे होने ही चाहिए. चाहे कितने ही झगडे हो अगर रिश्ता मजबूत हो तो बाकि कुछ मायने नहीं रखता. ये सोच के फिर सब सही हो गया.

लेकिन अब ये नियम ही बन गया जैसे. उम्मीदें बढ़ने लगी और टूटने लगी. प्यार तो था ही अभी भी,  मगर जड़ें कमजोर होने लगी थी. फिर एक दूसरे से उम्मीदें रखनी छोड़ दी. अभी भी नाराज़गी नहीं थी, प्यार की वजह से ही , एक दूसरे के बारे में सोच के ही. यही सोचते की क्यों कुछ कहें . क्यों दूसरे को परेशान करें? नहीं रखेंगे कोई  उम्मीद , नहीं कहेंगे कुछ.दोस्त जो हैं... प्यार जो है. हाँ सामने वाले ने कुछ  बोला तो ज़रूर सुनेगे. लेकिन दोनों ही तो यही सोच रहे हैं तो किसी ने कुछ नहीं कहा. कुछ नहीं कहते अब एक दूसरे से. कोई उम्मीद नहीं रखते .एक दूसरे को अपनी तकलीफ नहीं बताते.कैसे बताये. ये डर  है की बताया तो सामने वाला परेशान होगा . पता नहीं क्या सोचेगा.नहीं नहीं !! नहीं कह सकते कुछ.

ख़ुशी भी नहीं बतानी. और खुश कौन है वैसे भी.

बातैं अब काम हो गयी हैं.घंटो की जगह मिनटों में होती हैं. अब शायद रोज़ होती भी नहीं है.पहले दो दिन में एक बार तो अब हफ्ते में एक बार हो गया है. क्या बात करें. प्यार तो है अभी भी.लेकिन अब कुछ खतम सा है. कई कोशिशें हुई सब कुछ सही करने की,  पहले जैसे करने की लेकिन कामयाब ना हो पायीं. प्यार तो है मगर एक टीस है मन में जो सब सही होने नहीं देती.

पहले फेसबुक से ब्लॉक फिर जीमेल और फिर व्हाट्सप्प से भी. कभी कभी फोन कर लेते हों. लेकिन बातों में  अब वो बात नहीं . अब शायद लगने लगा है कि वो एक दूसरे से कितने अलग हैं. वही छोटी छोटी चीज़ें जो कभी बहुत पसंद थी अब बौखला देती हैं. सोचते हैं आखिर इतने दिन एक दूसरे एक साथ रह कैसे गए.अच्छा हुआ जो हुआ.

आज फिर से कैंटीन कि अलग अलग टेबल पे बैठे चाय पी रहे हैं और अपने अपने अकेलेपन में खोये हैं और बोर भी हो रहे हैं.लेकिन आज कोई नहीं जा रहा एक दूसरे का साथ देने. एक दूसरे कि बोरियत दूर करने. आज कोई खुद को आमंत्रित नहीं कर रहा न ही कोई पलकें झुका के किसी का स्वागत.कौन कहे पहले कौन जाये पहले. बात करना तो चाहते हैं. मगर कुछ है जिसकी वजह से नहीं जा रहे. बस एक दूसरे का इंतज़ार कर रहे हैं. और इंतज़ार करते करते ही चले गए.अब बात नहीं होती. बस आते जाते एक दूसरे को देख के हल्का सा मुस्कुरा देते हैं. शायद अब अजनबी हैं.

किस्मत ने उन्हें पहले कि तरह अलग कर दिया. हाँ.अजनबी ही तो हैं. एक दूसरे से पूरी तरह से अनजान.एक दूसरे से अलग. कभी सोच भी नहीं पते कि कभी मिले थे एक दूसरे से.अब शायद किसी दूसरे अजनबी की तलाश में हैं .

अचनक जब ध्यान हटा तो देखा . बारिश के उन हलकी हलकी बूंदो ने ही मुझे आधा गीला कर दिया था. आँखों के किनारे पे आंसू  की एक छोटी सी बूँद निकल आई थी जो मेरे गालो से बहते हुए होंटो तक पहुंच गयी थी. शायद आकाश की सिसकियों में मैंने भी उसका साथ दे दिया था. चाय का कप कहीं लड़खड़ाता हुआ कहीं निकल गया था और "गुनाहो का देवता " के पन्नें हवा में फड़ फड़ कर रहे थे.

Not so good

 I have two elder brothers. The eldest one is 11 years older to me and the second one is 4 years elder to me. I ended up as the youngest kid of my parents. When my Mom was pregnant with me, for around 3 months, she had strong feelings of not giving birth to me. Unaware of her mental situation, I was sitting there in her womb, waiting to come out and see this shining world. Mom kept on requesting dad to abort me, but dad was too rigid to have me in the family. He tried to convince her in each possible ways and finally promised that I will be the last child and begged her to let me come out, let him allow holding me in his arms. Doctor had informed that it was a girl fetus. Dad reminded her as the last point to convince her, ‘’we don’t have any girl, let her come, she will be the angel of our family”. “That is what I am concerned about” mom replied. After many arguments, requests, acceptance and rejection, mom reluctantly accepted to give birth to me. Finally on one summary afternoon I was out there in this world, which is so shiny from its outer skin, but as much as you start knowing it, facing it, you will come across the deep shit, it has.

I started growing up and I could feel the difference between the treatment I and my brothers used to get. I was not allowed to go outside and play anytime I wanted, but they could. I had to wear the long pant till my knees, under the long frock but they could wander here and there the way they wanted. I was not allowed to talk to boys but they could do whatever they wanted. Wondering and not knowing the reason behind this difference, I used to ask my mom, she would reply in a plain voice that I was a girl and there are certain rules for girls and to bring a girl up is a big fucking responsibility for the parents. I had started believing that probably this was the reason she didn’t want to give birth to me.

Then I was around 6, I was playing alone outside my door gate. One guy from neighbourhood aged around 16, called me lovingly. I used to call him bhiya (elder brother), because he was friend to my eldest brother. I went there in the direction of the voice. I met him near the terrace. He asked me how I was doing. I replied him shyly that I was good. “Do you want some chocolates”, he asked me in caring voice. “Yes”. I replied. Then he sat down on his knees to come down to my height level and held my two arms with his hands and asked how I was doing in school. I replied in shy voice that I had scored the highest in mathematics. Then slowly he started sliding his hands down and suddenly put his one hand on my undeveloped breast, not even the sign of coming flesh was there, but then he pressed it. I could not understand what was going on. He kept on sliding his hands downward, and put down there and asked if I knew what that was. I replied.” Yes pee comes from there”. He laughed and said that I was cute and innocent and gave me a chocolate. I was happy with the chocolate and feeling proud I came back to home. I thought that I was being awarded with the chocolate because I was smart and could answer his question. I didn’t tell about this to mom because I didn’t want to share my piece of chocolate.

I was around 11. My dad’s boss used to come to our home. He would sit there for hours talking to my dad about work, about random things. I would sit there in dad’s lap and would watch them talking. Though I could never understand a word they said but I used to like watching them when they discussed the rivers, dams and roads. Sometimes I would jump in uncle’s lap and repeat the process. Uncle said that he liked me, he adored me. I also liked him mainly because every time he would come to meet dad, he would bring those big costly chocolates which my dad would never supply. I would wait for him to come, moreover for the chocolates. He used to say that these were only for me and advised me not to share with my brothers. By saying this, he used to make me feel special and I kind of liked it. One day he came for his usual visit. My mom was cooking dinner and dad had to go out for making some urgent calls. I was in uncle’s lap talking about school, classmate teachers. Suddenly he took his hand and pressed against my private parts. First slowly then with force. My breast had started developing. I could feel the little bit of flesh there and it was very painful when it was in process. And when he pressed it I could feel the real pain as if I had seen the real hell being alive. I cried out loud and he just threw away from his lap. I fell down and got hurt and in the new pain I almost forgot that unusual pain I had just felt some time back. Then it was his usual treatment whenever he would find me alone, he would do the same thing with me. I don’t know why, but I never could tell this to my parents. What all I could do was, to avoid him. I used to ask my parents to tell him, that I was sleeping, whenever he asked where I was. Mom asked me once about my erratic behaviour but I could never tell her anything. Soon after he got transferred to other city and I was relaxed.

I was young now, age around 17. It was local fair arranged in my city. I used to live in a very small city, so any occasion like this used to bring each and every person in that fair and it would become really crowded place. I had gone there to celebrate the festival with one of my friend and we had real fun. We ate the yummy food there, went on the big wheels, watched circus show and after having nice time we were about to return to our home. The place had become so crowded that we had to tuck our hand together to move forward. There was no place to breathe. We were slowly trying to make our way. Suddenly from nowhere a hand came to me and squeezed it and I literally broke down. The pain was unbearable. My friend asked what happened to me. I just asked her to move towards home. I was still in pain.

I was in college then. Hard memories of some horrible childhood experience were faded by now. Probably those things hardly ever came in my mind. I was enjoying the freshness of the youth, I had entered into. I was doing well in study, well in extracurricular, was doing well in life. With some hunches here and there, I was satisfied with my life. And now it was time to experience some life changing experience and what else it could be other than love in life of a girl who had just sensed the attraction towards opposite sex, who had just felt that tingling sense of shyness when somebody looked lovingly at her, when somebody complimented her. Yes, she was in love. I was in love. I could feel everything in my favour, when I met him. Though at that time I was not able to understand what love was, what its repercussions were, but I was surely in love. In fact, I was in love with idea of love. I concluded, this is the life, to love and to be loved. We used to talk for hours, go for regular random walk, and be with each other endlessly and aimlessly. One day, he took me his home. At first, I was scared, but I was with love of my life and I could win the world with him, so I just yanked all the fear and went ahead. We were there, sitting next to each other. He was coming closer and closer to me and with each every movement of him my heart beats were getting faster and faster. Suddenly he requested me to remove my top. I just sat there, frozen not knowing what to do. I just wanted to run away from there, but my senses were not working. I was scared to death. Somehow I gathered myself and asked me to drop me home. I could never talk him again.

I moved on in my life. I was a mature adult by now, age around 26. I had controlled my emotions, my feelings and I had asked myself not to fall in love with anyone now, but then it was the time to break the spell. From nowhere he entered in my life and explained me the meaning of love.  Soon after I realized, I was hopelessly, irrecoverably and unconditionally in love with him. I could never ask more than he gave to me. Each time I met him like it was the last meeting. And every time I met him, I just wanted to shower him with all the love and compassion I had stored in my heart till date. I knew that the paradise, I was living in was very short lived. I wouldn't even know and it will be off from my eye sight. But I was happy, I was satisfied. I had experienced that feeling that I could die peacefully then, without anything else required in my life. This was the time to something more. One day, he was there in my room, we were talking about random things as usual, I was lost in those thoughts which always used to hover over my mind whenever he was around. His charisma never let me in my senses, and sometimes I was blank. He pulled me closer to him. I knew his intentions and I was scared but I enjoyed that sense when he touched me. Moreover I could never say no to him for anything, it was the tiniest possible thing he needed from me. I went ahead as he directed. I did, what he said. Soon, he put his fuller lips on my shaking, shying lips. At first, I felt little awkward but then this kind of experience was completely unknown to me and surprisingly I wanted to experience more. He touched me wherever he wanted and I allowed him. Soon he was there, inside me. I was crying in pain, a kind of pain I had never felt in my life, like thousands of drillers, drilling together at one point of your body. But I let that pain embrace me. I believed that I had experienced the love in complete way. But then, I was wondering how my life could be so blissful. The very next moment, the answer to my question was in front of me, when I realized that this was the only thing he wanted from me. He got off me very soon, saying he was sorry for whatever happened; he didn’t have any feelings or emotions for me.  According to him it was very natural and it just happened and I could not blame him. I kept on providing him what he wanted from me because I knew the day I will say no to him, would be the last day I would see him. I don't why but I was trying to save a relation which never existed. One day when he had enough of me , he stopped seeing me.

I got married at the age of 29, to a guy whom I didn't get a chance to know much. It was an arranged one and since my parents were bit conservative so they didn't really like the idea of our meeting to each other before marriage. With some acceptance and rejection, I was married to this gentleman. It was the first night after wedding. I was tired because of all the formalities of wedding and wanted to go straight to bed. I changed the wedding costume and went to bed to take rest.  Soon I was in the lap of my mom, in the dream. Suddenly I felt something on my chest; I got up at once and realized that it were the fingers of my just happened husband sliding under my top. I requested him to spare me for the night at least, but he said that I was his wife and he could do whatever he wanted to do with me and he did the same. Once he was done, he forgot me as someone forgets his abandoned clothes.

Today I am in the hospital. I am pregnant and I know it is she.  I am asking the same question to myself what my mom must had been asking to herself 30 years ago. Now, I can understand the feelings and struggling thoughts my mom would have faced that time, when I was inside her. But, I have decided that I won’t repeat her mistake. I would not allow her to come in this world. I will kill her.

Ek Ankahee......

Bat chhoti si hai ,

Magar badi gehri hai,

Itni, jitni dil ki gehraiyon me chhupe dard,

Ya sayad jitney namkeen aasuon me chhupi meethi hansi,

Ya fir sayad jitni surkh hoton ki feeki muskaan.

Gham hamesh yehi raha, ki tum kabhi samjh na sake,

Aur main,

Samjha hi nahi saki tumhe,

Wahi chhoti si bat.

Keh hi na saki tumse ki kya hai mere man me.

Kuchh ehsas tumhare pas bhi the,

Nahi janti kya,

Dosti, mohabbat ya fir kuchh aur,

Tum chalak the,

Kehna jante the,

Jatana jante the ,batana jante the.

Ek pal me dost bana lete to agle pal sabse achha dost.

Kabhi apna sab kuchh,

To kabhi jaise ek anjaan.

Jab pyaar aata to main sab kuchh thi

Aur kabhi dil khush na ho,

To gussa utarne ka bas ek sabab.

Lekin achha lagta tha mujhe bhi,

Tumhara kabhi wo pyaar jatana

To kabhi gussa utarna.

Lekin ek kasak hai mere man me,

Ya ek khwahish hi keh lo,

Jeena chahti hoon,

Kuchh din tumhare sath,

Kuchh is tarah ki maut ka gham na ho,

Jindagi ke kuchh pal aise mile ki,

Umar bhar ki maut bhi zindagi lage.

Lekin meri badkismati to dekho,

Ye bhi nahi keh sakti tumse,

Hamesha ki tarah chup hoon,

Aur sayad aise hi chali jaoongi ek din.

Dur, bahut dur.

Jahan na hoge tum, na tumhari yadein.

Aur na meri zindagi.........

               

SHE .....

 

Being a big fan of Indian mythology (though not the follower), I would like to start (as this is gonna my first post) with some old and common stories of those magnificent era which is supposed to be rich in culture, moral views , rules, regulations, discipline and all those fancy words which we accept today as our sabhyata, maryada and sanskar.

The favourite epic of mine is Mahabharata, not only because I am Indian mythology fan but because this is the story which I can relate with our current society. It has a good description and manipulation of all those human emotions of love, hate, jealousy, anger, aversion, competition, sex which exists in the heart of an every common man, to more or less extent. The story started itself with the very basic instinct of human nature, where the great king of Hastinapur could not control his oomph towards beauty of pure and pious Ganga, and solicited her to marry himself. He has become so lost in beauty of her that he accepted to marry her with the condition that he will have no rights to ask any question or to interfere her in whatever she will be doing otherwise the day itself she will leave him and go back. In my opinion that was the day when devastation of Hastinapur has got decided.

Well, Mahabharata has some very strong characters like Kunti, Draupadi, Krishna, Karna. Probably these are the four characters the story is pivoting around. If you notice all the big destructions are caused because of women. And Mahabharata is not an exception. Pandavas after losing their kingdom could have left the state without any issue, but it was Draupadi who could not see her 5 strong, valorous and valiant husbands to keep silent and to accept their defeat especially after what had happened to her.

Draupadi was menstruating those days and to see a woman in that situation was considered as sin in timeline of Mahabharata. Though Dushasana had put this point in front of Duryodhana but he being blind in his power, said that "a woman lost by her husband in game of gamble is not less than a whore, so we will not be affected by the impact of this sin". I am not sure whether this is actually a sin or not to see a woman in her menstruation period (otherwise everyone in the present time would have impacted by this sin), but if it were, this was the day when Kaurvas had written themselves the day of their desolation.

Why I am describing this scene here is because I want to know, whatever Draupadi had suffered from the beginning to the end, what was her fault. She was the woman of glory. A strong personality. Well educated, not only in terms of bookish knowledge and theory but very skilful in using all kind of armament and weapons. In her parents’ home she was given all the rights, all the freedoms what a girl can think of. The freedom of education, freedom of participating in whatever she wanted and moreover freedom of marry someone of her choice. Then suddenly did the ill fate of Hastinapura impact her fate when she got engaged with Arjuna. Oh sorry, not only with Arjuna, but all the Pandavas. It seems me very funny, that a woman who has 5 so called brave husbands was insulted in front of the entire court of Kaurvas, and no one had courage to speak a word. All of them were just behaving like Dhritrastra, BLIND, rather more than that DEAF and DUMB also. But my question is WHY.

Who the hell were they to decide her future, when she was all able to think and take care of herself. Why Kunti needed to divide her among her 5 sons, was she scared that Draupadi being just of one could create jealous and aversion among her sons, was it her tactics to keep her sons united. Now, how the eldest pandav had all the rights to put her in the bet , when she was the better half of each brother. Was she an object, was she a pet of them or what was she actually to them. How can they even think of doing so. Why not other Pandavas could stop him by doing so. We say that Duryodhana did wrong to Draupadi, but it was Pandavas who gave him the right to insult her.

This is our society, even after yugas and yugas, the situation is not changed my dear. We say that being in 21st century, present women are all free, and they have all the rights. But the bitter truth is that it’s not true. Women are still the beautiful puppets for men, who they can make dance as their own wish. They have Dhirtrastra in their home, who knows everything but can’t help her because of the fear of society. They have Duryodhana everywhere who is just in a chance of grabbing her and insult her. And alas! Some of them has Pandavas as well, who himself torture her in each possible ways. And the present Draupadi being able all her way,  is not able to protect herself. She needs Krishna. She is waiting for her Krishna to come and give her shelter and respect she deserves. But it’s the tragedy; I see Dhirtrastra, Duryodhana and Pandavas everywhere but not Krishna.

I am searching for my Krishna and I am searching him within myself, within every woman, who will be able to extend her own clothes all by herself. AMEN.